First Day of School

I used to look forward to the first day of school. I am one of the few, and I believe lucky people, who couldn't wait to get back to school. Of course I enjoyed my summer and got sick of boring classes, but overall school was a place I was happy. I had friends, teachers generally liked me, and I was good at learning.

What better plan than to go into teaching right? I could go to school every day for the rest of my life, except for the normal summer breaks, until one day I was ready to finally let go of school and retire.

Those of you know know me well know that I don't always deal well with major change, so this appeals to that aspect of my life as well. I know how to do school. From both student and teacher point of view, it has always made sense. There's a daily schedule, you follow the same general rules, someone teaches and someone learns.

Something has gone wrong.

I now dread the first day of school.

The rest of the school year is manageable, but especially on that first day I can only think about one thing: somehow, somewhere, I've gotten lost.

In high school teachers started telling me I should teach. I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do and teaching had always been up there as an option so I started following that course. I knew that I could change my mind, but the more and more I thought about teaching, the more it make sense. As I said before, it was simple to stick to something I knew well, and to make it better I've always loved children.

Further along into high school I applied to and was accepted into the North Carolina Teaching Fellows program which was a big accomplishment that also helped pay for my college education. Everything was falling into place.

My college education was fulfilling and overall fun. I enjoyed learning and teaching and was ready to take on my new career. I had a tough time finding a job that first year and extended my search further from home than I hoped to go, but in time I found a job in Morganton, NC.

That first year had it's up and downs as I'm sure every first year teacher will have but I made it through....sort of. My principal and I did not see eye to eye on a number of things. By the end of the school year we had both agreed that it might be better if we went our separate ways. I wanted to be closer to home and she thought I would be better suited in another grade (as did I).

Another job was not meant to be. The economy took a nose dive in the following months and teacher jobs began to be fewer and farther between. I accepted the idea of subbing until I could find a permanent position.

It's now 3 years later and I'm about to start my fourth year subbing. This year, for the first year, I didn't apply to any full time positions. I didn't want to. These past three years have allowed me to realize that I don't think I want to teach.

Now what?

I still love school. I still love children. But again, something went wrong. Not being sure what went wrong or where it went wrong is half the struggle. Did I make the wrong decision in high school? Did I ignore doubts I had in college? Am I not cut out for teaching? Am I the victim of circumstances?

Am I a disappointment?

I've been lucky in my life. I've done well and made people proud. Suddenly I'm not proud of me. Every time I meet up with someone who doesn't know what's happened over the past few years, especially if they have something to do with education, I feel ashamed. I didn't make it. I didn't succeed. Somewhere I went wrong.

The first day of school is coming. A little more than a week away. I'll make it through and get on with the school year. I'll meet students that will make me wish I was teaching and I'll have moments that make me wish I could just forget school forever. At least I have a job. That's what I keep telling myself. So many people in so many worse situations.

I look forward to that first day of school when I'm taking my own little one to school. I'll be dreading the part where I have to leave them there, but what a day it will be when a first day of school comes and I have something at school to be proud of again.